Dear Baby Fox (18 Weeks)

Eighteen Weeks

Dear Baby Fox,

  Eighteen weeks. Oh my goodness, you're almost 6 inches long now!! I would say it's hard to believe, but judging by the size of my belly these days, I totally believe it! I'm  so proud of you and the progress you've made so far. Keep it up, little one!

  Christmas was extra special this year. Not only because you've been doing somersaults in your mama's belly, but because it was on Christmas day you threw your first punches and kicks!  What a strong little one you are! You moving around in me in that day really got me thinking more and more about that first Christmas. You see, God called a young girl named Mary to carry a baby boy she would name Jesus. He was going to be the Light of the World. Even though Mary probably felt pretty inadequate to be the mother of the Savior, God called her and gave her the grace to do it. 

  Granted, I'm not carrying the Son of God in my belly. But I can't help but to relate to Mary. See, Baby, I feel completely inadequate to be your mom. Not because I "don't know what I'm doing," but because it's so beyond humbling to be called by our loving Creator to be the parent of one of His children He loves so much. I can't believe God would choose ME! It's a complete honor and it's not something I take lightly. Your daddy and I will be looking to God every step of the way.

  Baby, in just a few short days we will (hopefully) find out if you're a boy or a girl. We are so excited to find out and to pick out a name for you. I personally am just excited to see you on our ultrasound. I will be able to see your little hands and feet and see your little nose and mouth. What a gift you are, sweet Baby Fox! I love you! 

Love, Mama 

How far along?: 18 weeks

Baby is the size of a:  Sweet potato

The Bump: Growing daily and becoming more and more itchy...can't have enough lotion these days!!

Symptoms: I haven't thrown up in 8 days! It's a Christmas miracle!! Blood sugar is still dropping causing nauseousness, but overall getting better!!

Food Cravings: Peppermint icecream

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: Just the dog food still

Sleep: Sleeping better, finally, thanks to my body pillow!

What I miss: I want to go tanning :(

Weddings Rings On or Off: On

Any Names Picked Out Yet: There's finally a few on the table, but still no idea!

Gender Prediction: I would love a boy, but I still have this feeling God will bless us with a girl! We'll see soon!

Movement: Finally kicking...still not consistently but a little bit every other day or so

Maternity Clothes: These past two weeks I really grew in to some of my maternity shirts! Crazy how fast that happens!

Labor Signs: None.

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling three kicks on Christmas day

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Finding out what sweet baby Fox is!!

What your Nightstand says about You

In the last couple of weeks I've gotten a good laugh or two out of something I've never laughed at before: my nightstand. Hang in there, you'll see why. The last couple of years, my nightstand has consisted of a lamp, alarm, a picture, and maybe some Chapstick or a good book. Being pregnant changes EVERYTHING, including the furniture surrounding your bed. Here's what my nightstand looks like now: 

That's right. Plenty of water, lotion, Chapstick, Progrestrone, Zofran, Tylenol, Colace, Gas-X, Prenatals, and a magazine. Plus, thanks to this never ending cold, there are now another two prescriptions added to the mix. I'm one sad woman :)

Dear Baby Fox (16 weeks)

Sixteen Weeks

Dear Baby Fox,
  We've reached sweet sixteen! You're growing up so fast already! Your little arms and legs have started kicking and squirming and I finally got to feel you move. I felt you right after the worship set at church...Now that I know you can hear, I have to wonder if you love music like your mama and you were just upset that the songs were over. I totally feel ya.
  Speaking of which, I hope you're ready to hear me sing. A lot. In the shower, while I'm getting ready, and ALWAYS in the car. You'll hear a variety of songs, too. The Band Perry, JJ Heller, Phil Wickham, Christmas Carols, and of course the little ditty's I make up as I talk to Sophie. I'll make up songs for you some day too. You're sure to love them!
  I'm being continually reminded how blessed we are to have you in our lives. Baby, I do not take you for granted. I want you to know we consider you a gift and we humbly accept all that God graciously offers us. So somewhere in the midst of all the headaches and throwing up and tears and exhaustion, I thank God for the opportunity to feel so yucky, because I know so many would love to feel this way with the promise of a baby. 
  Christmas is fast approaching and soon after we get to find out if you are a baby boy or baby girl! We're so anxious, but I'm even more excited for next Christmas, when we get to see you discover the Christmas lights and wrapping paper! You are a joy, sweet baby. Happy kicking!

Love, Mama

How far along?: 16 weeks

Baby is the size of a:  almost 5 inches long! Oh my!

The Bump: Getting round! Hard to believe I'm going to grow so much more!

Symptoms: Feeling like a human being again! About three times a week I still get nauseous and I'm still exhausted. But I can cook and walk around Target without feeling like I just might die, so that's a plus!

Food Cravings: No real cravings, but Lifesaver hard candies have gotten me through a lot! There's also a chance they've given me a cavity, but I'll choose my battles!

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: Dog food, smell of our trash can

Sleep: It goes in spurts. Once I'm sleeping, I'm usually ok, but falling asleep on my side is difficult! 

What I miss: I want a sip of Woodchuck.

Weddings Rings On or Off: On

Any Names Picked Out Yet: Waiting to find out what we're having before we talk about it much more...no need to fight over a name if we won't even have an opportunity to use it!

Gender Prediction: I'm still leaning towards Girl, but the idea of a Boy is much more present in my mind! 

Movement: Felt a few questionable flutters last week, then yesterday I most certainly felt that baby kick! I cried :)

Maternity Clothes: Just pants. Maternity shirts are still a little too big for me, but a lot of my shirts are already becoming too short

Labor Signs: None.

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing the heart beat again and feeling the first real movements!

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: For baby to kick strong enough that Brett can feel!!

As Long as it's Healthy...

  The days are dwindling down and our time to discover the gender of Baby Fox is coming soon. We are so eager and anxious to find out! In the beginning, I swore it was a boy. Then I was convinced it was a girl. Now I'm completely confused and pretty sure I'll be surprised either way! Some people have their guesses, whether it be by how I'm "carrying" (which still makes me laugh...can you tell how I'm carrying so early in the pregnancy?), or by what our siblings have had, and so on. It's fun to hear the thoughts of all of those that will be so involved in this little one's life.

  Of course people ask me if I have a preference. With this being my first baby, they usually then nod their head in understanding and say, "You probably don't care since this is your first!" And they're right. Bring me blue and dirt and Tonka trucks, and I'll be a happy lady. Bring me hair bows and leggings and ruffles, and I'll be a proud mama. I pray this attitude won't waver in the years to come with baby number two, three, maybe even four and five if I can talk Papa Fox into it :) Not that anything is wrong with wanting "one of each," but in the last couple of years I've learned more and more about how fragile each little life is and how the important thing is not the sex of the child, but the heart and life of the child.

  Usually after we discuss this, I hear the popular phrase, "Well as long as the baby is healthy!" Don't get me wrong, I know what this means, I get their point. But...is it wrong that I've come to hate this sentence?? Of course I pray God would bless us with a healthy baby. I will be looking for all ten fingers and all ten toes and, oh how I LONG to hear that first cry! I get it. But I wrestle with the fact that unhealthy babies are born every day. And you know what? Their lives matter too. I have been blessed to know babies born with cerebral palsy, downs syndrome, fetal alcohol syndrome, spina bifida, a hole in their heart, club foot, etc. Their lives serve such a beautiful purpose and it's an honor to watch them grow and thrive and love life.

  Sadly enough, I even know babies that never got to go home with their parents because they were unhealthy. It brings tears to my eyes to recall how painful, confusing...just devastating the news was. Unfair? Yes. But they mattered and they left a big impression on my heart. Obviously I do not want to have to go through this. No one in their right mind would sign up for a child they have to give up so soon. However, if that was God's plan for this little one's life, I would STILL, with arms high and heart abandoned, gladly receive this sweet gift and trust that God's grace is in plenty!

  The point of this rambling is to say that yes, I will continue to pray for a healthy baby. But no, I will not be using that phrase "as long as it's healthy" because that's just not how I feel. Whether this baby comes out perfectly healthy or with needs requiring special attention, this baby is ours and our hearts will overflow with love and pride.

Our New Home

So it's been three or four weeks since we moved, and I feel like it's FINALLY starting to feel like home around here. Of course we have a long way to go, arranging things to figure out the best way to make this house home. I seriously cannot wait to be able to paint (probably not until next summer...so sad, I know!), but luckily the colors the previous owners chose aren't too bad. The colors are just a little boring for my taste.  However, overall, this place is coming along! Here are just a few teaser pics to give you a better idea of where us Foxes reside!! As more and more rooms get done, I'll be adding more pictures! Until then, this will have to suffice :)

View of Kitchen from Dining Room...like the sleepy puppy?

View of Kitchen from Living Room

Other side of Kitchen

View of Backyard from Kitchen sink...I love this space!

Dining Room...No those curtains are not mine...Yes they will be the first to go!

Main Living Room off of Kitchen

Front Family Room...this will be pretty empty for a while!

Other view of Family Room

And of course no home is complete without some Friends Christmas decor!!

Dear Baby Fox (13 weeks)

Thirteen(ish) Weeks

Dear Baby Fox,

  Happy Thanksgiving my sweet Georgia peach! You made me one very happy lady when you allowed me to eat all of my Thanksgiving food without getting sick. How did you know I needed that? I'm loving you more and more all the time!  :)

  My list of things I'm thankful for have changed so much over the years, but especially in the last couple of weeks. I'm thankful for your beating heart and squirmy body, for your fingers and toes and even your ability to poo and pee now. It warms my heart knowing you're able to suck your thumb and respond to touch.  You have already made the world a much happier place, and you're not even out to enjoy it yet.

  I'm finally starting to have more good days than bad. The first weeks were rough, sweet baby, but I hear babies like you are worth it all. Please keep growing big and strong, and feel free to really bounce around in there. I'm so looking forward to the first time I get to feel you wiggle your sweet little body. Disclaimer: I'll probably cry, but keep moving...those are happy tears. 

  This was a very precious holiday to your dad and me. We talked, though, about how next year's Thanksgiving weekend will be way better since you will be there to enjoy it with us. Oh, so much to look forward to. There's a lot we can't wait to teach you and show you. From rolling over to your first steps, to riding bikes and the importance of forgiveness, we're anxious to be by your side through it all.  It's our hope and prayer that, in everything we do and say, your sweet heart would soften to the love of Jesus and that one day, He would become your Savior and King. That's the only thing that matters.

All my heart, Mama

• How far along?: 13 weeks 6 days
• Baby is the size of a: Peach
• The Bump: Those who know me can tell
• Symptoms: Having more good days than bad, for the most part. Still having pukey nights but my days are 2 or 3 good days for every bad day. Super dry skin, especially on my arms and legs. The only perk is that my makeup doesn't smear throughout the day like it used to.
• Food Cravings: Mashed Potatoes
• Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: Sophie's dog food still...the "new" smell of our new refrigerator has been surprisingly bothersome. 
• Sleep: Better! Peeing less at night and able to fall asleep faster. According to Brett, I am sleeping through every loud noise these days...but he could be lying ;)
• What I miss: I want to go to a tanning bed.
• Weddings Rings On or Off: On
• Any Names Picked Out Yet: Yet another miracle: we are almost officially decided on a girls name! Who would have thought the two of us would ever agree on this topic?!? Boy names, however, are a whole different story...NOT seeing eye to eye. 
• Gender Prediction: I still think it's a girl, but I've been having dreams these last few weeks that it's a boy.
• Movement: Not officially. I am starting to lay still in bed every night and pay attention to every noise or bubble I feel...I don't want to miss these precious firsts!
• Maternity Clothes: Finally. Why do women fight maternity jeans?! They are so beyond comfortable. And cute. Thankful for friends who have lended me their mama clothes to help get me through! I think I'll be set for a while.
• Labor Signs: None.
• Best Moment of the Week: Eating two Thanksgiving meals and keeping all of the food down!
  
• What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Feeling this baby dance!

Dear Baby Fox (11 Weeks)

(I assure you I WILL write about more than being pregnant...I'm working on a few posts that require pictures and seeing as my camera has been acting funny, the posts are delayed...so here's an old belly pic and letter to suffice until then.)

Eleven Weeks

Sweet Baby Fox,

   You keep me on my toes. I'm suddenly aware of every thing that effects your future, like me taking care of myself during this pregnancy, voting for a President that will make choices that will allow you to live in a mighty, free country. Suddenly the cool wooden steps leading in and out of our new living room no longer say "house with character" but "your baby is going to bump his/her head here" and I think those steps are now ridiculous and uncalled for. See, Baby, I made a promise to God the day I discovered you exist that I would do everything in my power to protect you and point you to Jesus. I'm just keeping my word!

   You've been a little ornery, by the way. We tried to hear your heartbeat not once, but twice, and both times you were shy and we couldn't hear. Your doctor assured your parents that this wasn't completely uncommon since you were still so tiny, but you almost gave me a heart attack. I cried and cried and begged God to continue to protect you. I just wanted the chance to feel you move and meet you for the first time and watch you grow. 

   I was convinced you were a baby boy until we finally were able to see you on an ultrasound. What a happy day. But now I think there's a little baby girl growing in my belly. Be whatever you want, we'll love you to pieces regardless! Anyway, you weren't moving like a wild man but you were wiggling your little arms and legs. Enough that it was difficult for us to catch your heart rate. We finally did though...181. And a few weeks later I got to hear your heart beat again. What a sweet, sweet sound. I was so proud of you!

   My belly has started to grow. Never have I ever been so happy not to fit into anything but sweatpants. It's so exciting watching you slowly pop out and say hello to the world. It's a beautiful but broken place. I'm confident you can make a difference here. See, people here are hurting and struggling. My prayer is that you would choose Jesus, above all else this world has to offer you, and that you would love others and have compassion on them. I pray that your Dad and I would set a good example, so that you would see a lifestyle of serving God and serving others. That's why we are all here, anyway.

  I beg you to keep growing big and strong so that your Daddy and I would get to meet you and get to know you for many, many years to come. I love you!

Love, Mama

• How far along?: 11 weeks
• Baby is the size of a: Lime
• The Bump: Teeny tiny but it counts.
• Symptoms: Throwing up all day, every day. Thankful for Zofran but it only gets me so far.
• Food Cravings: Comfort food.
• Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: To add to the previous list, scented laundry detergent, my kitchen, smell of my prenatals...
• Sleep: Taking 2 3 hour naps a day on the weekends along with the usual 9 hours a night
• What I miss: my jeans...I just bought them a few weeks ago and bam! got pregnant. they're already difficult to button
• Weddings Rings On or Off: On
• Any Names Picked Out Yet: We're still fighting that one out.
• Gender Prediction: Now that I've seen the ultrasound, I think Baby Fox is a girl!
• Movement: Notta
• Maternity Clothes:  Not officially...just lots of leggings and yoga pants
• Labor Signs: None.
• Best Moment of the Week: Officially announcing our pregnancy to the world...now it actually seems real.
  
• What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Looking like I have a cute bump instead of looking like I swallowed a 6 inch sub...and I'm realizing that feeling the baby move is not that far out of reach anymore! horray!

Dear Baby Fox (The Beginning)

In the Beginning...

Dear Baby Fox,
   You, my child, have rocked my world in the most wonderful way, and I've only known you for a week. I've always loved surprises, but you top them all. Don't for a second wonder if we considered you a "mistake." You have filled our hearts with joy and we are confident in God's plan and purpose for your sweet life.
   I've dreamed of the day I discover a tiny baby is growing in my belly, but never imagined it would feel this amazing. In just one week, I've thought more about rocking you to sleep and pushing you on the swings and reading books to you than I've thought about doing those things with anyone my whole life. My heart already aches to meet you...I've got a ways to go. 
   Sweet child, you've already brought the world so much joy. As if your dad and I's overwhelming pride and joy isn't enough, you've got a whole team of close family and friends, praying for you and dying to meet you! And we haven't even told the whole world yet! You are going to have a lot of people wanting to hold you and rock you and tell you how much they love you. I hope you're cool with that.
   Baby I pray every day, at least 2000 15 times a day, that you are healthy. I beg God to keep His hand on you and protect you from harm. I pray with my whole heart that we'll see your little heart beat at our first ultrasound. I pray that you would grow big and strong so that you can make your big debut in May and we can take you home. I think you'll like our home...you can watch football with Daddy and cuddle up next to Sophie. She will love you.
   But most of all, Baby Fox, I'm praying that God would prepare your sweet heart, even now, for the day you hear His call. I pray that you would be obedient to that call, and that you would repent and fall in love with Christ because He loves you so much! I pray that God creates you to have compassion on others, and that you would impact this world deeply for Him and His Kingdom. You won't believe this, but, you know how much your daddy and I love you? Well, the Creator of the Universe loves you even more...hard to imagine, I know.
   Anyway, keep growing, my little blueberry. Can't wait to meet you!

Love, Mama

• How far along?: (letter was written at) 7 weeks
• Baby is the size of a: Blueberry, I believe
• Total weight gain/loss: None
• The Bump: Mope
• Symptoms: Throwing up has begun in full force. Unisom worked for just a few days...usually feel better by the afternoon
• Food Cravings: No appetite whatsoever
• Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: The smell of Sophie's dog food, smell of mud on her feet, smell of cardboard boxes throughout our house
• Sleep: It's all I want to do, and it's always interrupted with potty breaks
• What I miss: The ability to keep food down
• Weddings Rings On or Off: On
• Any Names Picked Out Yet: Nope. and we already fought about it. this could get ugly
• Gender Prediction: Definitely a boy.
• Movement: Can't wait
• Maternity Clothes: Nope
• Labor Signs: None.
• Best Moment of the Week: Telling our families and a few close friends
  
• What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Getting out of this first trimester...rumor has it the 2nd is Heavenly!

The Day that Changed Our Lives Pt 4

(Catch Part 3 Here)
...I finally just decided to get out of bed at around 4 that morning and do something quietly until Brett's alarm went off. I used the restroom and burst into tears when I discovered what looked like the beginning of a miscarriage...

I'd be lying if I said that moment wasn't one giant blur. I remember crying. I remember even trembling. I also remember reassuring myself that things could still be ok. But I was scared. I woke Brett up and just sobbed. He held me close and prayed. I remember being a little mad that he spent more time praying for God to comfort me than he did praying that our baby would be safe. But, looking back, I'm so thankful because I got to see a little more of Brett's heart. He made a vow to God to love and take care of me first. What a great man he is.

I didn't know what to do. I would lay down then walk to the bathroom then repeat. At one point I became so angry and cried out to God, "Why are You allowing this? Why did I have to find out yesterday? I wish I never even knew I was pregnant. This hurts so much..." 

Slowly but surely, time passed and my doctors office was finally open. I called and told them what was happening, and told them that I wanted my progesterone levels checked because I've learned over time that's a common cause of miscarriage. I'm so thankful for my doctor. They never even questioned my being pregnant. Within no time I had a prescription and a team of people fighting for this sweet child.

But then began the blood work. Blood work and I aren't the best of friends. I shake and tremble so much I've had to be pinned down by four adults in order for one poor phlebotomist to stick my arm for a few seconds. (If you're a phlebotomist or even a nurse for that matter, rest assured I always apologize to them afterwards...they are troopers for dealing with people like me!)  It's the silliest thing but blood work is something that makes me feel so out of control. Whenever it's over, there's like this sigh of relief and I sleep for hours. This fear has gotten the best of me so many times before.

But back to our story...I had to get my blood drawn that afternoon. I was scared out of my mind already for this pregnancy, but now I had the added fear and panic of having a needle stuck in my arm. I prayed so much on my way to the doctor, that God would just give me the grace I needed to get through. I had to be brave. I had to be brave because there was an unborn baby relying on me to fight for him/her. I shook walking into the office. I shook and cried walking back to the lab. I told the lady that I usually don't handle this well and have to lay down. She looked me and me smiled and said, "You DO know you're having a baby, right?"

I hadn't even thought about that! That fact alone was the comic relief I needed to get through. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as she stuck me with that needle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel weak. But I didn't need to lay down afterwards. I didn't need to sit there with a cold washcloth on my forehead as the nurse goes on a search for orange juice. I just sat there like every other normal person. You may laugh, but that was a huge accomplishment for me!

That weekend, I had to make a choice. I had to choose who I was going to protect. I could protect myself by trying my best not to get attached to this baby. That way, if something did happen, my heart would still ache, but not as much as it would if I would dive in and fall in love with this baby. I could protect myself from as much heartache as possible. Or, I could protect our baby. I could protect this baby by loving it fiercely. I could protect this baby by putting myself last and this baby first. For one, I wouldn't miss out on any of the joys pregnancy brings. And two, if something would happen to this baby, I could be confident knowing this child would be welcomed into Heaven, and there, he or she would hear all about how much it's mommy loved him/her.

I chose option number 2. It's a risky one, but...what's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I was scared, but confident that God had a plan. I was reminded that God is the One who designed this whole thing anyway. Doubting this pregnancy was doubting God's creation. And I had no doubts with my Creator. I knew He loved this baby even more than we did. I had to trust Him and trust His plan. And I am very happy that I did.

(In the weeks to come, there would be a few more scares like more spotting and not finding a heartbeat. However, Brett and I and our doctor have learned that this baby is just a little ornery and shy, but perfectly healthy and happy. As the first trimester comes to an end, we're excited to experience the joys these next couple of months will bring us.)

The Day that Changed Our Lives (Pt 3)

(Click here for Part 1 and Part 2)

He looked at the bottom of the bag and found two pregnancy tests and four bold pink lines. He just looked at me with a little confusion and shock. That's when the real water works began. For me, not him. I cried and exclaimed, "I'm sooooo sorry!" in a loud, weepy voice. I'll never forget what he said next...

"Come here," he said. I sat on his lap on our couch and leaned into his chest and just cried. "Please don't be mad," I kept thinking. After what seemed like hours crying and hugging each other, I leaned back and Brett just grinned. 

"So can we call people?" he asked. WHAT!? I haven't even processed this! It was hard enough to tell my own husband. How can he be ready to call people and tell them our news?? He continued. "When are you due? Let's see, September, October...May! Oh that's perfect, I'll be almost done with school! I'll be off work all next summer to stay home and help! You should call the doctor tomorrow..." He then picked up Sophie and said, "Hey, no more jumping on your mama. There's a baby in there we love very much and you need to be careful!"

He is my hero. His love for me surpasses my expectations every day. Brett is always so good to me, and  yes, it's because he loves me, but it's mainly because that's who he is. He is so loyal and selfless. He puts my needs ahead of his own, and leads and guides me with strength and kindness. All of these qualities make him such a wonderful husband; they're sure to make him an amazing father. Our child is lucky to have a dad like him.

The rest of the night was spent talking about normal, every day things, then one of us would smile and say, "I can't believe it!" and we'd laugh and shake our heads in disbelief. I told him how shocked I was when I found out, but that, in looking back, there have been a few signs. I had been more tired than normal, but I figured that was just because we were busy with work and moving. I had been using the restroom a lot in the middle of the night, but I always have to pee. Plus, my face broke out as if I was 14 again earlier that week. It's just hard to put the puzzle pieces together when you don't know you're working on a puzzle.

Anyway, we praised God for this unexpected blessing, and begged Him to continue to keep our child safe and healthy. Funny how quickly your priorities change when you discover that a baby, even though it's the size of a blueberry, is counting on you. We were supposed to spend our weekend packing up for our big move and tackling our to-do list. Now we just wanted to come up with cool ways to tell our families we'd be adding a new addition in the spring!

We went to bed that night, saying one last prayer, looking forward to what the weekend would be like. We were elated and anxious and as happy as we could be. I, of course, didn't sleep well because I had so much on my mind. I finally just decided to get out of bed around 4 that morning and do something quietly until Brett's alarm went off. I used the restroom and burst into tears when I discovered what looked like the beginning of a miscarriage...

The Day that Changed Our Lives (Pt 2)

(**In case you missed Part 1, click here!) 

The next five hours were a blur. I had to stop by my parent's house before work, and all I remember is feeling so transparent. I felt like it was so obvious that I had something exciting that I couldn't tell them. Not yet anyway. Not until Brett knew. It was one of my shorter visits at their house...I couldn't stand not being able to say something. I went straight to work then and I believe I put color on people's heads and held scissors in front of their face as I cut their bangs, praying that I could focus for long enough to not mess up. Disclaimer: if you were one of those clients that day, I'm only saying that for dramatic effect, no need to worry ;) I remember being so excited when it was time to dry my clients' hair. It gave me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and think about the fact that I was the only one on earth that knew about this precious life. Such an honor.

On my way home my brain was racing. I knew I only had about 1 1/2 hours until Brett would arrive home, and I had to think of some way to break the news to him. I prayed and prayed and giggled then prayed some more. I knew this baby would make Brett happy. I knew one day this kid would become his/her daddy's world. But I also knew that this was the same Brett who told me just a few weeks ago why he wanted to wait another two years to start trying for a baby. Not because he didn't want one, but just because he loved where we were at at the time. Was he going to be upset? Was he going to think I tricked him into this? Or was he just going to be quiet? I had to deliver the news in a way that would connect with him, in hopes that he would at least admit he was getting more excited in the weeks to come. That's when it hit me. I remember spotting a tiny Notre Dame football onesie at Target earlier that week. It was perfect...something cute and little that would get the message across but something that spoke his language.

Later that evening he pulled in the driveway. I had dinner ready and had already told myself to give him a little bit of time to chill out and unwind before dropping a giant bomb on him that would forever change his life. We ate dinner in the living room and we were talking about our days. About 20 minutes went by and I thought that maybe then would be a good time to go grab his little present. Right then Brett said, "Oh shoot the game's about to start!" and he turned on the tv. Crap. I asked him, "Oh is this a game you're really wanting to watch or do you not really care?" (Stupid question to ask a football fanatic, btw...) He said he wanted to watch it. He turned up the volume and I took our dishes into the kitchen.

"Halftime," I thought. "I'll give him until half time and let him enjoy the next hour of his life B.P. (before pregnancy.) A few minutes into the first quarter, however, Brett went to the kitchen, grabbed some icecream, and started telling me more stories from his day. I tried to listen, but in the back of my mind I was just thinking, "He's not really paying attention to the game. And why am I so worried about changing his life? I had no warning when mine changed this afternoon. He can keep talking. I'm going to grab the gift..."

"Ohh, I got you something today!" I interrupted. I ran back to the room, grabbed the present, and said, "This is it." Deep breath. Whew. Ok, go. "I saw this at Target this afternoon and thought of you," I told him. His face lit up as he said, "Ooo is it 'How I Met Your Mother' Season 7?'"  Oh boy. He opened the gift and pulled out the onesie. He picked it up with his thumb and index finger as if it was diseased. Tears filled up my eyes. "There's more," I said. He looked at the bottom of the bag and found two pregnancy tests and four bold pink lines. He just looked at me with a little confusion and shock. That's when the real water works began. For me, not him. I cried and exclaimed, "I'm sooooo sorry!" in a loud, weepy voice. I'll never forget what he said next...

Goodbye Rosner

Dear Rosner,

  A short three years ago, I was a twenty-two year old girl who fell in love with you. In record time, too. One quick walk through and an offer was made. I was excited to move. I was excited to paint your walls and add my own personal touches. I was excited to have a little more independence and enjoy my space. But most of all, I was excited to see all that would happen in this house. It was a time of possibilities, and I was more than ready to embrace them! Oh, how you surpassed my expectations!

  That first Christmas was a little lonely. It was weird waking up on such a special day to no one at all. I remember getting ready as fast as I could, so that I could spend time with my family. That felt more like Christmas. That night I came home and decided I needed company. And so began my dog search. After several weeks of looking online, I came across a scrappy looking puppy whom I just had to have! Your four walls provided a home for a puppy who needed so much love and discipline and patience. It was here she learned to trust people and how to snuggle and that chewing on the furniture is unacceptable. It didn't take long for you to feel more like home.

  The next couple of months consisted of having countless people over for a variety of reasons. Bible studies, movie nights, and Halloween parties were among a few. We cooked and ate, laughed and cried. Hosting became a passion of mine. I was growing up and was so happy and content with where I was in life. Great friends, awesome family, happy home, and a dog that looked like Sasquatch. What more could I want?

  I met Brett on December 14, 2010. He showed up on my front porch and took me out for dinner. Later that night, we came back to my living room and played with Sophie. He hugged me goodnight in the foyer and I went to bed that night knowing something awesome was going to happen. And it did. Four months later, I came home from work and found Brett cooking in the kitchen. We ate and went on walk and came back home to the back porch. This is where he told me how much he loved me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. This is where my life changed for the better.

  On August 7th, 2011, the boy had officially moved in. We gathered with family and opened gifts and talked about our wedding. The next few months we got settled and began our lives as husband and wife. Needless to say, that Christmas? Not so lonely. We were a family and our home was full of love. Just a little over a year later I'd discover we were expecting our first baby. You were there when I told my husband and for the first bouts of morning sickness and for what turned into all day sickness. Funny, what a sweet time in life this has been. 

 "Sad" is not an adequate enough word to describe how I feel about leaving you. Yes, I am excited about a new home with new possibilities, but oh, am I sad to walk away from this place that's been so good to me. Thank you for giving me a place to mature and a place to cry and a place to grow. Thank you for being a place full of happy memories and sweet beginnings. You'll forever hold a special place in my heart.

The Day our Lives Changed (Pt. 1)

It was Thursday, September 20, 2012. It was a day like any other...sun was shining, Brett had left for work, and I was heading out to work myself. I remember talking to Mom on my way to work that morning about funny dreams and what our days looked like. I love our morning chats. 

In between clients that morning, I grabbed my phone and looked at my calender. After looking through the last couple of weeks, I realized I was a little late. I thought nothing of it because I had been having problems with cysts this past year, so I shrugged it off and continued on to my next client. On my way home for lunch that day, I thought about the fact that I had been taking cold medicine for the last couple days due to an annoying, lingering cold and cough. Because it's well known most medications are off limits for pregnant women, I decided to just stop at the store on the way home and pick up a test, just to simply rule out the idea of pregnancy and to not feel guilty about taking more meds.

After arriving home, I went to let my dog out and started heating up lunch. I checked my email and turned on the tv. I went to the restroom and took the test. Then I just sat there with zero anticipation and thought about what time I'd have to head back to work for my next client. I remember thinking to myself that I had just drank a 32oz Sprite that morning, and that chances are great that this test could be negative even if I really was pregnant, so I put the extra test in the box in a drawer next to our toilet to use in the morning again just to be sure. Not too long after, I glanced down at the test, saw two lines, and said to myself, "See, nothing to worry about. Not preg...Wait, what?!" My eyes went blurry and I suddenly had no idea how to read these stupid things! Why didn't I just buy one that said "pregnant" or "not pregnant!?" Let's face it, in this state of mind, I wouldn't have understood that kind either.

I sat there in disbelief. I was speechless and just kept looking up praying to God, then looking down saying "Oh there's no way!" After a few minutes of complete shock, Sophie came in begging to go back outside. I took her out, then just stood on our back patio, totally blank in thought. I barely remembered how to hook Sophie up to her chain. Sophie and I came back inside, and I sat in the kitchen and thought, "If you would have asked me an hour ago what pregnant women should or should not eat or do, I could have rattled off a long list. Now that I am, I couldn't even tell you the first step. I'm clueless."

Finally, I thought, "Vitamins! I think I should take some vitamins." By the grace of God I arrived at Kroger in one piece, considering the fact that I have no memory of my drive there. It took a while to find a prenatal vitamin that was gluten free, but I finally found some and went back home. I sat on my bed, feeling quite proud of myself for accomplishing something in such a wacky state of mind. "How did this happen? We were so careful! My whole life just changed! I shouldn't have drank that sprite. I wonder how far along I am. Hopefully I'm really far along so that I'll feel better about the fact that my jeans have been feeling a little tight." 

Ya, I wasn't that far along. The cause of the tight jeans was allllll me. But that's beside the point. According to an online due date calculator, I was 5 weeks 6 days along and was due May 17th. What a strange reality. Many prayers were prayed and many praises rang as my little confused heart pounded faster and faster with anxiety. I remember thinking to myself that false positives are completely unlikely, but I'm going to take that second test just to be sure. One drip later and those little pink lines practically screamed at me, demanding me to face the facts. I looked at my phone and realized I had to go back to work! How am I supposed to focus and work in this state of mind? I work with my sister...I hoped I could hold it in and not tell her because I had to tell Brett first. Oh shoot, I have to tell Brett. How in the heck am I supposed to tell him these words that are so life changing? Crap...