(Catch Part 3 Here)
...I finally just decided to get out of bed at around 4 that morning and do something quietly until Brett's alarm went off. I used the restroom and burst into tears when I discovered what looked like the beginning of a miscarriage...
I'd be lying if I said that moment wasn't one giant blur. I remember crying. I remember even trembling. I also remember reassuring myself that things could still be ok. But I was scared. I woke Brett up and just sobbed. He held me close and prayed. I remember being a little mad that he spent more time praying for God to comfort me than he did praying that our baby would be safe. But, looking back, I'm so thankful because I got to see a little more of Brett's heart. He made a vow to God to love and take care of me first. What a great man he is.
I didn't know what to do. I would lay down then walk to the bathroom then repeat. At one point I became so angry and cried out to God, "Why are You allowing this? Why did I have to find out yesterday? I wish I never even knew I was pregnant. This hurts so much..."
Slowly but surely, time passed and my doctors office was finally open. I called and told them what was happening, and told them that I wanted my progesterone levels checked because I've learned over time that's a common cause of miscarriage. I'm so thankful for my doctor. They never even questioned my being pregnant. Within no time I had a prescription and a team of people fighting for this sweet child.
But then began the blood work. Blood work and I aren't the best of friends. I shake and tremble so much I've had to be pinned down by four adults in order for one poor phlebotomist to stick my arm for a few seconds. (If you're a phlebotomist or even a nurse for that matter, rest assured I always apologize to them afterwards...they are troopers for dealing with people like me!) It's the silliest thing but blood work is something that makes me feel so out of control. Whenever it's over, there's like this sigh of relief and I sleep for hours. This fear has gotten the best of me so many times before.
But back to our story...I had to get my blood drawn that afternoon. I was scared out of my mind already for this pregnancy, but now I had the added fear and panic of having a needle stuck in my arm. I prayed so much on my way to the doctor, that God would just give me the grace I needed to get through. I had to be brave. I had to be brave because there was an unborn baby relying on me to fight for him/her. I shook walking into the office. I shook and cried walking back to the lab. I told the lady that I usually don't handle this well and have to lay down. She looked me and me smiled and said, "You DO know you're having a baby, right?"
I hadn't even thought about that! That fact alone was the comic relief I needed to get through. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as she stuck me with that needle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel weak. But I didn't need to lay down afterwards. I didn't need to sit there with a cold washcloth on my forehead as the nurse goes on a search for orange juice. I just sat there like every other normal person. You may laugh, but that was a huge accomplishment for me!
That weekend, I had to make a choice. I had to choose who I was going to protect. I could protect myself by trying my best not to get attached to this baby. That way, if something did happen, my heart would still ache, but not as much as it would if I would dive in and fall in love with this baby. I could protect myself from as much heartache as possible. Or, I could protect our baby. I could protect this baby by loving it fiercely. I could protect this baby by putting myself last and this baby first. For one, I wouldn't miss out on any of the joys pregnancy brings. And two, if something would happen to this baby, I could be confident knowing this child would be welcomed into Heaven, and there, he or she would hear all about how much it's mommy loved him/her.
I chose option number 2. It's a risky one, but...what's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I was scared, but confident that God had a plan. I was reminded that God is the One who designed this whole thing anyway. Doubting this pregnancy was doubting God's creation. And I had no doubts with my Creator. I knew He loved this baby even more than we did. I had to trust Him and trust His plan. And I am very happy that I did.
(In the weeks to come, there would be a few more scares like more spotting and not finding a heartbeat. However, Brett and I and our doctor have learned that this baby is just a little ornery and shy, but perfectly healthy and happy. As the first trimester comes to an end, we're excited to experience the joys these next couple of months will bring us.)